The basics
Mark my words, pool is the new yoga
There are two rules to the hustle:
1. play for money (or watches, cars, items of clothing etc.)
2. Make sure you win
pool always used to be a gambling game, a fact which has been sadly obscured by the onset of civilisation. Social pool is all very well but it always ends up costing you money in table hire, beer etc. We could all do with a little extra, so hone your skills, chalk your bat and get out your wedge. There is nothing like the thrill of seeing money on the table to sharpen your instincts and put you in touch with your primal self, the hunter pitting his wits against an equal foe, at one with his weapon. The aim is to win at all costs but the adrenaline kick is a hell of a bonus. Get that heart pumping and remind yourself how it feels to be truly alive. Savour the sureness of your touch, the keenness of your eye and the ingenuity of your tactics. Get inside yourself. Winning a few quid off your mates at pool provides a well balanced workout, stretching the mind as well as the body. Mark my words, pool is the new yoga.
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Let’s to billiards
In the old days, it was all about the money
'Let's to billiards' were the immortal words of Cleopatra in Act II of Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra. In one of the first examples of the hustle Charmian replies 'My arm is sore: best play with Mardian'. Yeah, right. Clearly Charmian is trying to set Cleopatra up by feigning disability. Sadly the story goes off on another tack and we never find out what happened. In the good old days it was all about the money. Amongst the great hustlers have been King Louis XIV of France (who plainly did alright out of it), Mary Queen of Scots, who kept a table in her condemned cell and would take on her warders (it didn't do her much good), and George Washington (from whom I am actually descended), who documented his wins and losses in his diaries. As you can see, there is a long and noble tradition of hustling which long pre-dates the arrival of paul Newman and Minnesota Fats, though if you want to pick up a few hot tips you can't do better than 'The Hustler' and 'The Color of Money'.
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The rules
The rules are a moveable feast
You can find my detailed analysis on the rules page, but here are the principles behind their use and abuse. The rules are a movable feast. Sometimes you may want to define them in order to produce a true sporting contest. Moving swiftly on, the more lucrative approach is to avoid defining the rules at the outset so that you can use them to your own personal advantage as the game progresses. There are different kinds of hustling. Sometimes you may leave the rules ill defined in order to give your opponent a chance, in the hope that they will consent to sleeping with you later on, or buying you a drink at least. In this instance the rules are completely irrelevant - you really want to make them up as you go along, allowing your opponent the chance to have another go whenever they like but (crucially) giving them the impression that they are playing strictly according to the rules so if they beat you, they think they beat you fair and square. You may wish to hint at your expertise by giving them the odd tip (see Tips and Tricks). The better they think you are, the happier they will be when they win. 9-ball is the game of choice in this situation. It has the advantage that you can pot all the balls except the black and let your opponent steal in at the last moment to pot the black and steal the glory. More usually you will want to win at all costs and your failure to define the rules at the outset can prove a crucial advantage as the game progresses. And now is the time to take advantage. With more and more American tables in the UK confusion reigns. Most people still play a version of English rules (two shots etc.) so your best bet is to rip them away from the cosy warmth of their habitual ways and out into new territory - American 8-Ball (or at least your particular version of it that day).
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Mind the gap
Your ideal opponent is obviously a little worse than you
Your ideal opponent is obviously a little worse than you are but thinks he's a little better. This misconception should obviously be encouraged - I call it The Gap. It's not the actual gap between your respective abilities that matters, its your opponents perception of the size of that gap. The amount of money you can make can be calculated precisely by multiplying The Gap by the amount your opponent can afford to lose. He's bound to take a healthy gamble if he's convinced he's better than you and he will win. It's human nature. Your job is to stretch the gap as far as possible without losing credibility. This is the classic hustle. You start playing for a few quid and you lose more than you win. You have to win the odd game or your opponent might smell a rat when you fleece him later. Gradually The Gap will start to establish in his mind: nurture it, for The Gap is your best friend. There are two classic ways to do this. The first is flattery: 'great shot, 'how did you do that', 'your in good shape', 'nice jacket' etc. pretend you're flirting and you won't be a million miles off. The second is alcohol.
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The booze
Drink and pool go hand in hand
pool is a drinking game. The natural habitat of the pool table is a licenced premises. Drink and pool go hand in hand. This is at least partly because most people play better after they've had a few. They reach The Zone. Try to get into The Zone and stay there as long as possible. The exact whereabouts of The Zone varies from person to person but it is usually somewhere between 2 and 4 pints. Legendary Canadian snooker player Bill Werbeniuk used to find it somewhere between 10 and 15 pints, but he was an exceptional talent. You'll know when you reach The Zone. Suddenly you're cueing more smoothly, your nerves are calmed, you are released from your inhibitions and reacquainted with your inner self. You hear people talk about this moment in most sports - running, yoga, motor racing - and pool is no different. Anyway, back to the hustle. The thing about The Zone is that you hardly notice moving out of it. Another drink or two and your game is fucked, but it can take a while to realise what has happened and this is the moment at which any player is at their weakest. In other words there will be a golden hour (or so) when your opponent still thinks he's in The Zone but he's not, and while he thinks he's in The Zone he will believe absolutely in The Gap. Somehow you have to ensure that you stay in control while giving the impression that you're losing it. You should be seen to match your opponent drink for drink but try making sure that he's drinking Stella while you are on Heineken (or even shandy). Buy the drinks yourself if possible.
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The kill
Subtlety is everything
So now your opponent can hardly stand up but for some reason he thinks he's king of the hill. What happens next? You have two options at this stage. You can play it long - let them go and make sure to arrange another game, regarding your loss as an investment to be recouped with interest at a later date. Alternatively you can play a short game and go in for the kill. You need to raise the stakes, but remember that subtlety is everything so if at all possible you want your opponent to think it was his idea. pretend you just want to play a few more frames. What would make him stay? Another drink? A ride home? How about raising the stakes? play it casual, throw away the suggestion and if it's not picked up then don't blow it now. play the long game instead.
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The stakes
Has he any possession you covet?
It is sensible to have a particular goal in mind and this will depend on how much money your opponent has, how tight he is, whether he has any possessions you particularly covet, whether he's a friend of yours and if so whether you wish him to remain so. There is a point beyond which friendship will not stretch and it is essential to build this into your calculations.
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Who to hustle
Chat people up. Make friends. Then shaft them.
Start with your friends obviously. What else are friends for? On the plus front you know how good they are, on the minus front they probably know how good you are, so unless you've made sudden and dramatic improvements to your game you're unlikely to win much money. Unfortunately people talk and it doesn't take long to get a reputation for fleecing your friends, so you'll soon have to branch out and hunt your prey. The best approach is just to hang out, let people know you're up for a game and maybe that you don't mind playing for a few quid. Chat people up. Make friends. Then shaft them. If things start going wrong you may need to play dirty. At the low end of the scale this basically means distraction (eg lighting up in your opponents line of sight just before he takes a shot or going to the loo in the middle of a frame to upset his rhythm). When things get serious you may have to adopt more extreme measures (eg feigning extreme illness, having a friend on standby to imitate a drunken fool collapsing on your pool table, or even doing a runner). Just one word of warning: every now and then you'll find yourself hustling a hustler and chances are you won't find out till it's all over. If you take me on I'll have you for breakfast. Bon chance, amigos.
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